Archive for December, 2007
Today’s post will be the first of many that document ridiculous encounters that I’ve had with rappers over the past few years. I will also leave the floor open to any Fake Shore Drive readers who feel they can contribute an equally preposterous story, so please feel free to submit at your own risk.
We’re gonna take this back to my college days at Indiana University. I’m not gonna kick things off with the story about the time Puck from the Real World showed up at our fraternity, got drunk and tried to bang a stripper, because obviously he’s not a rapper. We’ll begin with my 2003 meeting of Treach and Vinny from the “legendary” group Naughty By Nature (*cue the intro to Hip Hop Hooray*)…
Back in the fall of 2003, during my fifth year (victory lap!), a small crew and I went out on a rather slow Friday night. The crew consisted of my brother Jack, and friends Dave and Marsala. The first bar we went to was pretty dead, so we decided to trek down the street to another popular bar, officially known as Kilroy’s Sports.
When we arrived, I was immediately approached by one of my East Coast friends who was all keyed up, I figured it was just that “Tony Yayo”, but instead he begins to tell me how Naughty By Nature is hanging out in the bar and Treach is over in the corner chilling by himself.
I obviously thought he was bullshitting me, but then I remembered that Naughty was in town for a concert that some D-List sorority was hosting. I obviously didn’t bother to go to the show, since you know, these guys hadn’t had a big hit since “Jamboree” (No Jamboree). So I buy a drink and begin to survey the scene and it turns out Treach is chilling in the corner by himself, next to the bathroom, leaning up against a popcorn machine – scouring the crowd.
I grab my friends and exclaim: “Holy shit that’s Treach, lets go talk to him”, because after all, he is the guy behind “Uptown Anthem”. We walk over to him and begin chatting. He appeared to be excited that someone finally recognized him (or had the balls to approach the scary rapper guy by the popcorn machine) and was very inviting and charismatic. About two minutes later a visibly drunk Vinny pops up out of nowhere and yells: “Ahh shit, look at the TWINS!!” This comment was in reference to my brother and I, who kind of look alike. Vin-Rock (the titty feelin’ villain), obviously inebriated, for some reason thought we were twins. So we went with it. Why not, right?
Anywho, the boys from Illtown seemed to be impressed with our Hip Hop knowledge as we discussed everything from Ali Baba (their machete that you can see Treach holding on the cover of their first album) that disappeared many years ago at an airport they couldn’t remember. They did claim there is still a reward for anyone with information on Ali’s whereabouts. I then asked if they were working on any new material and Treach reaches in his JanSport backpack that he was wearing frontwards (swear to God!) and hands me a copy of their brand new “mixtape album”, Garden State Greats. Treach then charges me $5 for the double disc. I mean, I really couldn’t have turned him down, right? (and I will add that these guys DO NOT like KayGee. No sir. Not even a little bit)
Drunk Vinny especially took a liking to the “Twins” as we complemented him on his humble abode that he featured on MTV Cribs. His response? “Ah man, you know my house is probably just a little carriage compared to the house that the TWINS grew up in!” (Related: On said episode what the hell was Treach doing in Vinny’s basement chilling in a plastic chair alone in the dark?) At this point a crowd began to form as more and more people realized who these guys were. Being the showman that he is, Treach went into full detail about his 2Pac tattoo, and poured his drink on his arm and declared: “When I drank, Pac drank”. The females were eating this stuff up.
Somehow in the midst of all this fuckery, Naughty decided they would do an impromptu performance on a stage upstairs. When they decided they were ready to go on, Vinny didn’t budge: “We ain’t goin’ on unless the TWINS come with us…let’s go Twins!” So they grab my boys and me and take us backstage with them (all this really entailed was walking up a back staircase). So Vinny leads us to the stage and there is a massive crowd screaming for Naughty, I’m thinking: “I’m with the band dude!!!” But no dice, the bar security staff wouldn’t let us on stage. But at least we got to watch the performance from the front row. They went through a crazy set list playing everything from “Feel me Flow” to “Ghetto Bastard”. People were going apeshit.
After the show we all left the bar in high spirits thinking our classic night had come to an end, when all of the sudden a 1997 Volkswagen Jetta pulls alongside of us, that is filled to the brim with 5 of the fattest white girls you’ve ever seen, when Vinny’s head pops up and pokes through the half-cracked window: “There go the TWINS, yo Twins come to the afterparty at the Fairfield Inn. There go the Twiiiiiiiiiiiiiins” as they sped of into the night.
All I could say was, “Damn”. Naughty By Nature, who at one point, were one of the biggest rap groups in the world, were now bumping uglies with girls I wouldn’t even talk to. Boy, how the mighty have fallen.
We figured, “what the fuck, we might as well go”, so we hopped in a cab and set out for the (ahem) luxurious Fairfield Inn. We finally arrived and had no clue how to find Naughty’s room. The 6’4” Scandinavian woman who was working the front desk was automatically suspicious of our crew and told us that if we didn’t have a room then we had leave immediately. My brother began to give her all sorts of fake names and bullshit excuses, but this chick wasn’t budging. It didn’t help that my buddy Dave kept pestering her about when the Continental Breakfast was going to be open.
We see a group of Treach-groupie-trolls hop on the elevator, and we take off in a dead sprint for it as the doors closed – all while the Scandinavian is yelling at us and threatening to call security.
When we started off down the hall en route to the room we noticed a bunch of oversized women and fake bodyguards hanging out in the hallway. We stepped to the bodyguards and told them that Vinny had invited us to the afterparty and fake bodyguard #1 gladly opened the door and let us in their room. Wowzers! We walk in and it looks like the fat girl Olympics in there!
There were about 15-20 sea donkeys hanging out on the beds and couches and three of them were down on their knees, doing God knows what. I turn to one of the beds to find Vinny passed out face down like he was high school drunk or something. Meanwhile, Treach is looking at himself in the mirror while flexing his muscles while mumbling nonsense. He was also smoking something that was omitting no particular odor (not sure what this was exactly – but who am I to judge?) Things then began to get a bit awkward and it looked like some sort of OPP
Orgy was about to take place. Another fat chick, who I recognized from my freshmen English Lit class walks in with 8 bags of food from Steak N Shake. Oh boy!
Luckily, at this point Hotel security shows up and starts kicking people out left and right. Apparently, if you didn’t have a hotel key, then you had to go. We gladly obliged. Talk about being saved by the bell (No AC Slater).
So we very well could have been responsible for fucking up Treach and Vinny’s “party” with the heaviest group of ladies you’ve ever seen, but I look at it like we did them a huge favor. Sorry fellas!
Nullus on this whole story, by the way
…Well actually it’s more like January 21, 2011, but you get the idea.
2. Screw BET, DMX needs to have his own A&E “reality show”
3. Is Birdman’s video for “100 Million” a joke that everyone else is in on but me?
4. …And why do these songs feature the same revolving door of southern rappers?
5. Are there any other singles that T-Pain could jump on? Dude isn’t overexposed at all right now
6. Will any of the 5 projects that MF Doom is supposedly working on ever see the light of day?
7. Does Curtis make a better drink coaster or Frisbee?
8. Is Mos Def going to sign with G.O.O.D. Music, or what? If so can we get another Black on Both Sides? Please?
9. Speaking of G.O.O.D. Music, will we ever see a release from GLC?
10. What about Really Doe?
11. If he’s now an official member, why isn’t Cappadonna on the 8 Diagrams cover?
12. Did Twista really get dropped from Atlantic Records for the poor performance of Adrenaline Rush 2007? If so, shame on them…
13. If Hip Hop is in it’s “Hairband Stage”, then who is the Nirvana that will come along and save us all?
14. Is there a mute button for DJ Khaled?
15. Why hasn’t anyone created a DJ Khaled doll, that when you pull a string, it annoyingly yells his 4 known phrases?
16. Whatever happened to Prince Dejour?
17. Does anyone care about Detox anymore?
18. When is Primo going to produce for a marquee act again? (…and I don’t mean Xtina)
19. Did Apache ever find that next Gangsta Bitch?
20. When are Chris Stokes and Chris Hansen going to collaborate?
21. What in the world’s in that bag?
22. When are we going to hear the Chi-Town version of “Self Destruction” or “We’re All in the Same Gang”?
23. Since Jigga left his post at Def Jam, where does that leave the next Memphis Bleek album?
24. If they’re still in business, will someone please hire Pen & Pixel graphics for their next album cover? I’ll pay! (fake)
25. Related: whatever happened to the 250 artists that were once signed to No Limit Records in the late 90’s?
26. Will the world ever see another Slick Rick album?
27. Who at Koch signed off on that new Styles P video? I know they let the artists have creative control over there, but come on…Sharks? Wizards? Stringer Bell chasing around a glowing briefcase? Men doing pull-ups?
28. Besides The Bishop Don Magic Juan, whatever happened to the rest of the fellas from American Pimp? Filmore Slim, anyone? Ken Red? Oh…Never mind. Found em.
29. What collabo album will drop first, if at all: Common & Q-Tip, Doom & Ghostface, Rhymefest & DJ Jazzy Jeff?
30. When am I going to learn how to make an “after the jump” option for my posts?
According to numbers released by Neilsen SoundScan, Chicago rapper Lupe Fiasco sold 144,079 copies of his sophomore album The Cool this week, debuting at #15 on the Billboard chart. While his 2006 debut album Food & Liquor debuted at #8 last September, it sold significantly less than The Cool, moving nearly 81,000 units after it was leaked months in advance.
The “It Was All A Dream” Award
Winner: Keith Murray – Rapmurphobia
Did this album really happen? I mean, I think it came out, but then again it really could be a dream. Talk about falling on deaf ears (Ayo Foxy!). I don’t remember this album being mentioned critically and it definitely didn’t show up commercially. Keith promised to redeem himself from his Def Jam flop of ’03, with hard hitting production from Erick Sermon and the raw lyrics of his better, most beautifullest, Enigmatic days. Unfortunately, Mr. Murray did not deliver on his promise. Note to Keith: we don’t want to hear you rap about selling dope. We want you to rhyme a bunch of big words together that make no sense whatsoever, and possibly don’t exist. That being said, let’s hope I don’t get hit with a barstool for writing this. I’m just sayin…
The “I Don’t Listen To, But I Claim He’s One of My Favorites” Award
Winner: Talib Kweli (currently undefeated)
This category is pretty much a LOCK for Talib Kweli. The reigning champion for the past 5-7 years, Kweli is the fake fans #1 stunna. Don’t believe me? Go to one of your friends myspace or facebook profiles, who you know don’t A.) listen to hip hop or B.) only listen to LCD rap. I guarantee that they list Tallib as one of their “favorite” artists. I guarantee it!! Talib is the absolute go-to guy for people who want to impress others by claiming they listen to “heady” [read: conscious] hip hop. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been approached at a party (since, you know, I guess I’m the “rap guy”) to talk music and they always drop Kweli (a close second being Common). Most of the time they can’t even pronounce his name correctly. Ask them to name their favorite Kweli song and I bet they’ll pause and say “all of them”. We don’t believe you…
The “Sunshine Anderson” Award (Heard it all before…get it?)
Am I crazy or did anyone else think “Blue Magic” sounded a little too familiar the first time they heard it (and I’m not talking the En Vogue nod)? I immediately placed “Blue Magic” as a Pharrell reworking of the obscure Nas track “Flyest Angels”, from the Charlie’s Angels Soundtrack (Hey, I got it for free at the radio station where I interned). Take away “Flyest Angels” Bollywood sample and replace it with Pharrell doing his best Dawn Robinson and you’ve got “Blue Magic” (my man).
You know what? Maybe I am crazy.
Best “Promo for an album that will never be released” Award
Winner: Raekwon’s Only Built For Cuban Linx 2
For those of you “lucky” enough to have purchased Raekwon’s protégé’s album – Icewater: The Couch Warmers, then you were treated to perhaps, the single greatest promo/teaser piece for an album…ever. A picture says a thousand words, and you could really write a whole movie based on this pic alone – I just wish I knew what Raekwon had in mind here. It only brings me up to shoot me down in realization that his album will never be released.
(Related: Rae can you please send me one of those L2 shirts you were wearing on the 8 Diagrams tour? Thanks in advance)
Mixtape of the Year Award
Winner: Mick Boogie , Busta Rhymes and J Dilla – Dillagence
I really don’t get into mixtapes so much, because a lot of times they’re mostly filler and at-capacity with concepts that don’t work. However, give me a bright idea about digging up some old Dilla beats and getting Busta Rhymes to rhyme over them…I’m onboard. I give Mick Boogie a lot of props for even imagining this project and then having the juice to get it completed. It’s definitely one of those situations where I thought: “man, I wish I had that idea first” (I mean, not that I could have completed it or anything.) This was an incredibly original idea and hopefully turned some people on to the greatest producer of all time.
Album of the Year – Non Hip Hop
Winner: Kenna – Make Sure They See My Face
Actually, this is probably my all around favorite album of the year. I’m still in denial that Make Sure They See My Face hasn’t even slightly blown up. I just don’t get it. Not only co-signed and produced by the Neptunes (mainly Chad Hugo), but Kenna also gained some notoriety from having a whole chapter dedicated to him in Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink”. And with the whole ‘Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas’ vibe, the video for “Say Goodbye to Love” could be the illest of the year. If this album isn’t on your radar, I highly recommend you run (don’t walk) out and pick it up. I mean, Kenna is the new David Byrne!
Standout tracks: “Say Goodbye to Love”, “Sun Red, Sky Blue”, “Loose Wires”, “Out of Control”
Single of the Year – Non Hip Hop
Winner: M.I.A. – “Paper Planes”
Some might consider this hip hop, but not me (at least not in the traditional sense.) I immediately loved this record the first time I heard it. This young man had to actually mosey over to a random DJ in NYC, who was playing the track, and ask who it was because I had no clue (Talk about an L7!). I saw her at Lollapalooza, but the sound was such a nightmare that it was hard to decipher song from song. Thank God they finally put together a video for the track. The remix with Bun-B and Rich Boy is even iller. Somewhere Joe Strummer is smiling.
Most Anticipated Album of 2008
Winner: The Cool Kids – Totally Flossed Out
Since Raekwon’s “OB4CL2″ is never coming out, I have to give this years honor to Chicago’s own, the Cool Kids. Chuck and Mikey’s buzz grows by the day and I have friends all across the country calling to ask if I have any information on when their album is dropping. Unfortunately, I don’t; nor do I know what to expect. Thus far, they haven’t released a song that I’ve disliked, and I’m guessing most of this material will show up on The Bake Sale EP. I have no idea what these guys have in store, but I guess that’s what’s keeping my attention.
When is the first single dropping? What is the first single? If anyone knows, feel free to enlighten me. Mica?
Best Album You Didn’t Hear This Year
Winner: Sharkey & C-Rayz Walz – Monster Maker
Gnarls Barkley on adderall? No, no, no…this is much better than anything heard on St. Elsewhere (which I always thought was hot trash and I hate that comparison anyway). This album was a perfect blend of C-Rayz Walz’ eccentric rhymes and Sharkey’s production, that could best be described as a speedball of hip hop and electronic music . It’s too bad these two couldn’t get along, otherwise they’d still be touring the world promoting the album. This CD is about three years ahead of its time.
I also have one final thought for Babygrande or the A&R in charge of this project: ”Electric Avenue” could have been a huuuge single. WTF were you thinking and who dropped the ball here?
witnessed. Ever. Check my recap here).
Hip hop’s favorite albino (sorry Krondon) shocked the world with this passionate, emotional journey through the trials and tribulations of a homeless, divorced, pigment challenged, Muslim-American father (damn). With the intensity of KRS-One and the ferociousness of early Ice Cube, Brother Ali is now a force to be reckoned with, not only on the independent circuit, but in hip hop in general.
8. Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
9. Talib Kweli – Ear Drum
10. (tie) Redman – Red Gone Wild & Little Brother – Getback
hyping earlier in the year anyway?
Apparently MF Doom is still up to his tomfoolery and is booking shows but sending impostors to perform in his place. This was rumored to have taken place this summer at some of the Rock the Bells dates as well as the infamous concert in San Francisco, that my boy M-80 attended and Bol reported on.
Last Thursday, he supposedly had a show in Atlanta and sent another one of these impostors. Senor Kaos was in the house to report:
Finally at 1:28 AM a figure wearing a mask emerges from the back and takes the stage. Kids go crazy! He never greets the crowd, says hello or anything, and hes wearing some Fatigue cargo net looking thing covering his head.
FROM THE JUMP I SAID – THAT AINT HIM!!!!!!FOR THE RECORD, FOR THOSE THAT DON’T KNOW, I’VE PERFORMED WITH MF DOOM BEFORE, AT HIS FIRST SHOW IN ATL, AND DID ANOTHER EVENT WITH HIM DOING AN EXCLUSIVE DJ SET (WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN DOOM DJ…. THOUGHT SO, ACT RIGHT!!!) – AND I’VE SEEN HIM NUMEROUS TIMES WITHOUT THE MASK!….
22 Minutes later the imposter posing as Doom walks off the stage, no Peace, no thanks for coming out or nothing!! Only at this point that a lot fans realize they had just witnessed the Okeedoke!
Well after this I guess things got real funny, the Merch dude got his stuff took, and it is reported that there was money stolen by Dooms people. ( I say reported cause I didnt see anybody steal any money).
It appears Doom’s handlers took the promoters money, and in turn, the promoter and the club people stole all of Doom’s merchandise. Since they couldn’t refund the tickets, the promoters are giving all attendees free Doom merch, and even went as far as to post his phone number and home address online. Yikes.
What do I have to add to this, you ask? Well, this past weekend C-Rayz Walz, a frequent Doom collaborator and old friend, was here in Chicago and we were discussing Doom and his antics. C-Rayz claims that Doom is an absolute genius and is sending out these fake Doom’s to gear up for the release of his next album “Doompostor”. Apparently, on the next album Doom will discuss this in-depth (but when have you heard Doom discuss anything in-depth?)
Is this factual information? Not sure. But if so, I give Doom plenty of credit for messing with his fanbase like this – the balls on this guy! (Pause, just in case)
We’ll see if Doompostor ever comes to fruition.
Yeezy was named “Entertainer of the Year” in this month’s Spin Magzine. You can check out the entire interview here.
I’m trying to gauge if you’re being sincere or facetious.
It is what it is. A lot of things that are funny have truth in them. So my music is a mix between some good Harold’s Chicken and…
A bespoke suit?
A bespoke suit!