Today’s post will be the first of many that document ridiculous encounters that I’ve had with rappers over the past few years. I will also leave the floor open to any Fake Shore Drive readers who feel they can contribute an equally preposterous story, so please feel free to submit at your own risk.
We’re gonna take this back to my college days at Indiana University. I’m not gonna kick things off with the story about the time Puck from the Real World showed up at our fraternity, got drunk and tried to bang a stripper, because obviously he’s not a rapper. We’ll begin with my 2003 meeting of Treach and Vinny from the “legendary” group Naughty By Nature (*cue the intro to Hip Hop Hooray*)…
Back in the fall of 2003, during my fifth year (victory lap!), a small crew and I went out on a rather slow Friday night. The crew consisted of my brother Jack, and friends Dave and Marsala. The first bar we went to was pretty dead, so we decided to trek down the street to another popular bar, officially known as Kilroy’s Sports.
When we arrived, I was immediately approached by one of my East Coast friends who was all keyed up, I figured it was just that “Tony Yayo”, but instead he begins to tell me how Naughty By Nature is hanging out in the bar and Treach is over in the corner chilling by himself.
I obviously thought he was bullshitting me, but then I remembered that Naughty was in town for a concert that some D-List sorority was hosting. I obviously didn’t bother to go to the show, since you know, these guys hadn’t had a big hit since “Jamboree” (No Jamboree). So I buy a drink and begin to survey the scene and it turns out Treach is chilling in the corner by himself, next to the bathroom, leaning up against a popcorn machine – scouring the crowd.
I grab my friends and exclaim: “Holy shit that’s Treach, lets go talk to him”, because after all, he is the guy behind “Uptown Anthem”. We walk over to him and begin chatting. He appeared to be excited that someone finally recognized him (or had the balls to approach the scary rapper guy by the popcorn machine) and was very inviting and charismatic. About two minutes later a visibly drunk Vinny pops up out of nowhere and yells: “Ahh shit, look at the TWINS!!” This comment was in reference to my brother and I, who kind of look alike. Vin-Rock (the titty feelin’ villain), obviously inebriated, for some reason thought we were twins. So we went with it. Why not, right?
Anywho, the boys from Illtown seemed to be impressed with our Hip Hop knowledge as we discussed everything from Ali Baba (their machete that you can see Treach holding on the cover of their first album) that disappeared many years ago at an airport they couldn’t remember. They did claim there is still a reward for anyone with information on Ali’s whereabouts. I then asked if they were working on any new material and Treach reaches in his JanSport backpack that he was wearing frontwards (swear to God!) and hands me a copy of their brand new “mixtape album”, Garden State Greats. Treach then charges me $5 for the double disc. I mean, I really couldn’t have turned him down, right? (and I will add that these guys DO NOT like KayGee. No sir. Not even a little bit)
Drunk Vinny especially took a liking to the “Twins” as we complemented him on his humble abode that he featured on MTV Cribs. His response? “Ah man, you know my house is probably just a little carriage compared to the house that the TWINS grew up in!” (Related: On said episode what the hell was Treach doing in Vinny’s basement chilling in a plastic chair alone in the dark?) At this point a crowd began to form as more and more people realized who these guys were. Being the showman that he is, Treach went into full detail about his 2Pac tattoo, and poured his drink on his arm and declared: “When I drank, Pac drank”. The females were eating this stuff up.
Somehow in the midst of all this fuckery, Naughty decided they would do an impromptu performance on a stage upstairs. When they decided they were ready to go on, Vinny didn’t budge: “We ain’t goin’ on unless the TWINS come with us…let’s go Twins!” So they grab my boys and me and take us backstage with them (all this really entailed was walking up a back staircase). So Vinny leads us to the stage and there is a massive crowd screaming for Naughty, I’m thinking: “I’m with the band dude!!!” But no dice, the bar security staff wouldn’t let us on stage. But at least we got to watch the performance from the front row. They went through a crazy set list playing everything from “Feel me Flow” to “Ghetto Bastard”. People were going apeshit.
After the show we all left the bar in high spirits thinking our classic night had come to an end, when all of the sudden a 1997 Volkswagen Jetta pulls alongside of us, that is filled to the brim with 5 of the fattest white girls you’ve ever seen, when Vinny’s head pops up and pokes through the half-cracked window: “There go the TWINS, yo Twins come to the afterparty at the Fairfield Inn. There go the Twiiiiiiiiiiiiiins” as they sped of into the night.
All I could say was, “Damn”. Naughty By Nature, who at one point, were one of the biggest rap groups in the world, were now bumping uglies with girls I wouldn’t even talk to. Boy, how the mighty have fallen.
We figured, “what the fuck, we might as well go”, so we hopped in a cab and set out for the (ahem) luxurious Fairfield Inn. We finally arrived and had no clue how to find Naughty’s room. The 6’4” Scandinavian woman who was working the front desk was automatically suspicious of our crew and told us that if we didn’t have a room then we had leave immediately. My brother began to give her all sorts of fake names and bullshit excuses, but this chick wasn’t budging. It didn’t help that my buddy Dave kept pestering her about when the Continental Breakfast was going to be open.
We see a group of Treach-groupie-trolls hop on the elevator, and we take off in a dead sprint for it as the doors closed – all while the Scandinavian is yelling at us and threatening to call security.
When we started off down the hall en route to the room we noticed a bunch of oversized women and fake bodyguards hanging out in the hallway. We stepped to the bodyguards and told them that Vinny had invited us to the afterparty and fake bodyguard #1 gladly opened the door and let us in their room. Wowzers! We walk in and it looks like the fat girl Olympics in there!
There were about 15-20 sea donkeys hanging out on the beds and couches and three of them were down on their knees, doing God knows what. I turn to one of the beds to find Vinny passed out face down like he was high school drunk or something. Meanwhile, Treach is looking at himself in the mirror while flexing his muscles while mumbling nonsense. He was also smoking something that was omitting no particular odor (not sure what this was exactly – but who am I to judge?) Things then began to get a bit awkward and it looked like some sort of OPP
Orgy was about to take place. Another fat chick, who I recognized from my freshmen English Lit class walks in with 8 bags of food from Steak N Shake. Oh boy!
Luckily, at this point Hotel security shows up and starts kicking people out left and right. Apparently, if you didn’t have a hotel key, then you had to go. We gladly obliged. Talk about being saved by the bell (No AC Slater).
So we very well could have been responsible for fucking up Treach and Vinny’s “party” with the heaviest group of ladies you’ve ever seen, but I look at it like we did them a huge favor. Sorry fellas!
Nullus on this whole story, by the way